Today is November 15 and in my world, that means two things: one, it’s my mom's birthday. And, two it’s halfway through the writing challenge month NaNoWriMo.
Let's start with my mom's birthday.
Today is her 64th birthday and in the last year around the sun, she has made immeasurable changes in her life. There's an interesting shift that happens as you navigate adulthood; suddenly, your parents become people. Without a conscious switch, we begin to look at our parents and realize that they are not just "mom" or “dad” anymore, they're people with a name. Our familial ties evolve and become one where our connection becomes more about who we are as people on a peer level and less about your parent being the one who tells you what to do. Of course, they'll always advise you- but the conversations develop more depth. In many ways, you become friends with your parents.
My mom moved into her own condo in March, about a mile from where I work. Since March, she’s made new routines and new friends. She has conquered her fear of driving on highways and tells Alexa to play her favorite music. In March, she struggled up the hill to her beautiful brick home, and today that hill is a cakewalk. A simile of growth. She watches Midwives on Netflix, and I remember the time in her life when she was nervous about "streaming." She is knitting my best friend's daughter a blanket, and we spend Mondays together cooking and crafting. Now, when I visit her beautiful home (which, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that my brother was the guiding light for her to get to that home) I have an opportunity to show her the doodles in my procreate app, and where I think I'm going to shift everything. She asks me what I would do if I won the Powerball, and I tell her I’d buy a tiny house, and embark on a voyage across the United States- reading, writing, and photographing it all. Her strength has always been something I’ve admired, but her willingness to never give up is shining this season, and I’m so proud to call her my mom. She is proof that at any age, you can start again. Change is a good thing.
If my mom is living proof that change is good, then NanoWriMo is proof that pivots are necessary. I went into NanoWriMo to write the story of Charlotte and Hunter. Two love-struck souls who meet at 18, fall in love, but a series of boy & girl miscommunications lead them astray only for them to see each other seven years later. Charlottes engaged, Hunter is a perpetual student: will they fall in love again?
At its core, it's a great beach read. Not the next Colleen Hoover craze, but certainly an easy read. I've spent the last fifteen days simplifying the storyline, developing Charlotte more as a character, adding in auxiliary characters, like her best friend Effie, and thinking about what the core "conflict is". Is it miscommunication or an over-arcing problem in Charlotte's life? Do we add in another element, or keep it just focused on Charlotte & Hunter? How did I want the novel to end?
I wouldn't say I was enjoying the process, but I was working through it. It didn't feel as imaginative as I thought, but also not as painful. Truthfully, the building of writing habits was enjoyable. The story wasn't, though.
And, then I got this text:
A little-known fact about me, but I’ve written 2 children's books, a tiny book of marriage advice (arguably the most fun to write because all I did was take the unsolicited advice from strangers as a waitress and compile it… the last piece is what saved me from my marriage), and a poetry book. All are available here.
I did three out of the four of these before 2020, and somewhere along the way, I locked these accomplishments in the storage unit labeled "pre-liberation" in my mind. "Liberation" was focused on goals. My mantra during that season was "Once I'm free, I'll do it." and I made a list of all the "its" I wanted to accomplish with no room to celebrate anything I did before.
That list was my internal justification for asking for a divorce. "If I accomplish all this, no one will question my choices." (For the record, that was my anxiety- no one was questioning my choices)
"Become a successful wedding photographer- focus on nothing else."
"Finish in Seven Years. You said you would."
"Work for only yourself: it's the ultimate measure of success."
"Don't allow another shoe to drop in your life."
For the last two years, I have been fixated on this list internally, and while it helped me grow exponentially, I'm here to admit it also was a disservice.
And, that's the funny thing about life, no? Two truths can exist, and it’s up to us how we move forward.
This list was filled with absolutes and had no wiggle room. In many ways, I was trauma bonded to the list that kept me afloat during a particularly rough tide. How could I let go of the dreams or accomplishments that kept me focused on surviving?
That list was written when I thought I'd never fall in love again. Not just with a person, but with myself and life. That list was written when I was positive I was moving away. Maybe to Boston where I could start new, or in a tiny house and just travel America: a vagabond with her dogs and dreams. That list was written when my roots were dry in my community. That list was written because I feared life so much.
And, in one year, life showed me it's okay to release fear. I spent this last year not only falling in love with myself, but with my partner, his family, the little kids in my life, my best friend's daughter, Marco, different aspects of photography, flowers, empowerment, different types of writing, cooking (again), and so much more.
This list was written when I didn't think I would love life again: only to learn that this new season of my life is filled with the love we write about.
We are 15 Days into NaNoWriMo and I'm here to tell you that I quit and will be pivoting. Charlotte and Hunter no longer serve me. At least not right now. I’ll save those 80,000 words and tuck them away. And that list? The list is no longer serving me. It doesn’t reflect the humility in my heart and that is not what I want for my life anymore.
Maybe we all need a list of absolutes when we first change our lives. Starting over is scary, but if there's one thing I learned from my Mom- starting over is also so much fun. My mom was able to maintain all the loveable parts of herself ) while letting go of all the parts that held her back before. Effortlessly and seamlessly. With grace and gumption.
Whereas I burned it all to the ground to start over, she simply weeded her garden and in turn, allowed new things to grow simultaneously with the old. That text from my friend, 100 miles away, reminded me that I don't need to build a new garden but rather, resurrect my garden from the ashes of my harsh thoughts of the world. I miss the worlds I built, and now I want to help them grow.
With the smell of snow in the air,
on the day the most inspirational person in my life was born,
I'm going to burn that list,
And, start this new season fresh.
With Salt
On the note of tweaking not overhauling, I thought I'd share my tweaked and even better version of my famous crumbcake that I made for my mom last night.
THE ULTIMATE CRUMBCAKE RECIPE
INGREDIENTS
2 tablespoons of Chocolate Powder
1/2 Cup of Chocolate Chips
2 tablespoons of apple sauce
4 cups of unbleached all-purpose flour
¾ cup granulated sugar
2 ½ teaspoons of baking powder
½ teaspoon of salt
1 egg
½ cup milk
1 cup brown sugar
3 tablespoons of ground cinnamon
1 cup of butter, melted and cooled
INSTRUCTIONS
FIRST THINGS FIRST; melt your butter and let it cool. The cooler it is, the better the crumbs. Oh, and preheat your oven to 325 degrees
PREPARE THE CAKE:
Sift together 1 ½ cup of flour with the granulated sugar, baking powder, 1 tbsp of chocolate powder and salt
In a separate bowl, whisk together the egg, milk, apple sauce, and oil. Whisk it so it’s nice and frothy
Mix together the egg mix with the flour mix and add in 2 tablespoons of ground cinnamon & add chocolate chips
PREPARE THE CRUMBS
Place 2 ½ cups of flour in a bowl and add in your brown sugar and 1 tablespoons of ground cinnamon in a bowl
Pour melted butter on top
With a rubber spatula, mix together until large chunks of crumbs form
FINAL STEPS:
Oil and flour your pan. (I suggest one of those small square ones or a round one. Or, you could make crumb cake cupcakes if that’s a pan you have at your disposal. Just not an 8 x 11- it’s too big for this mix and the cake comes out thin and bad)
Pour the cake mixture in and spread it out
Grab your crumb mix and gently break the mix over the cake to form smaller crumbs. I have fun with this part and make larger crumbs at first, and then fill it in with smaller ones
Pop it in the oven for 25-29 minutes (all of our ovens are different. I have a newer one and I find that 27 minutes is the sweet spot. I just wouldn’t suggest going over 30 minutes)
Take out of the oven, let it cool, grab a glass of milk and enjoy.