A Special Note for All Those without Dads
if today is hard for you, please know you're not alone
Today is a beautiful day. It's a day to celebrate the men who raised you, and I hope that for all of those who have their dad, you squeeze those memories tight. Not everyone is as fortunate today. Some of us have lost our Dads, either due to death or estrangement.
Estrangement. We don't need a reason to estrange from our family. By design, family bonds are odd. Children are born to different genetic precursors making them too different or too similar. There are undisclosed parental expectations, the close proximity, the clashing of all these mixed personalities. It's dysfunction, by definition, and yet, we forgive it because of love.
As children, we often try and stay in the middle- be our own version of Switzerland- but as we grow older our perception of the dysfunction creates boundaries. We start to see that the childhood smoke and mirror of our parents as "superheroes", clears, only to bring to light their humanity. In those shattered dreams that our parents aren't perfect, we start to see them as people- with their own mix of trauma, ideals, and hearts.
We start to see that love, the love that brings us together, isn't always enough.
Parent-child estrangement is not uncommon, but it doesn't make it less painful. Our bonds with our parents dissolve- maybe due to lack of proximity- maybe due to lack of communication- maybe due to lack of love. Estrangement breaks our security, and creates a feeling that is hard to articulate. We might try to vocalize all these emotions, but in the end, it’s easier to have said nothing at all.
We try and use this simple word - estrangement - to summarize all the stages, all the back tracks, all the forgiveness and broken conversations - as if becoming "estranged" is that simple. Is it that simple to break that bond? We take for granted our relationships when we have them, not realizing that as we grow older, that relationship isn't guaranteed, regardless of how hard we try. .
For all those reading this who are estranged from a parent, I'm sorry. I know how hard that is to carry, I have one too. It is a wound that cuts through my heart, and has left a permanent scar.
Wounds like this create a feeling of loss.
Wounds like this make you feel as if you’re not worthy.
Wounds like this create anger.
Wounds like this create walls- strong barriers- impossible to navigate.
Wounds like this make you wonder if you can trust anyone- Because, if the person who brought you into this world can discard you so quickly, who’s to say others won’t, too?
For all those who have this wound today, give yourself permission to feel. If today is hard, know that like a wave, it will wash over you. Tomorrow will be better. Remind yourself of all the times you've gotten through something hard, and know that this hard day will pass, too.
Remember that two truths can exist- you can cherish your memories, and know that your current boundary is the right one for you. Remember that "forgiveness" doesn't mean you have to open a door again, it can just be the key to lock the door and give you peace. Remember that estrangement doesn’t mean you have to wish someone bad- you should never put that rust on your soul.
Most of all, remember that while this wound creates so many layers of feelings, you are not alone. You are worthy. You will not be discarded, and you are loved.
Sending you all a virtual hug.
See you tomorrow, xx