It’s Sunday afternoon and I’m buzzing with energy to “do” something, but what that something is, I don’t know.
the truth of the matter is, I spent my entire weekend “doing things”: we went to a Christmas Show, we went out to dinner, we went out for cocktails after dinner, we went to brunch with Santa, I deep cleaned the apartment (which, if you’re the cleaner in the relationship, you know its’ doing the most, really.) We worked on our wedding invitations, outlined who we’re buying Christmas gifts for, and I worked on my Etsy shop all weekend. I did things!
Now I’m here, in our bed with “Julia” playing in the background, bouncing between my journal, my book outline, and my laptop. Wanting to start on a new page, and not knowing where to start at all.
To rewind, November was a doozy of a month. I started it strong, you might remember. I was waking up at 4:45 a.m. every morning, I wrote 1,667 words a day, and I was buzzing with the excitement of this challenge. And, then, I did that thing I always do where I took on too much and burned myself to the ground.
It’s been a ten-year pattern, so I should have anticipated it. Somewhere between college, and not knowing what I wanted out of a career, I convinced myself that if I’m busy with my creative endeavors, no one will question what I’m doing with my life. Because, in this world, you can’t have hobbies: you need to monetize passion. #capitalism.
Along the way, we were ambushed by a health matter, that after the Holidays I’ll share more about. It left me exhausted, confused and fed up. By November 15th, I was consumed by editing, leaving no room for 4:45 a.m. alarms to write. And, then- after editing 15,000 photos in two weeks, I received the message that made me snap:
“I don’t like my photos. It’s disappointing that you couldn’t even try to get a good photo of my family. I want a refund.”
I’ve been a photographer for a decade, and not once have I had to issue a refund. The dialogue between the client and I went on for a few moments, and after realizing this was a no-win situation that could only hurt the two brands involved, I acquiesced and sent a refund. The moment I hit “send” on Venmo, a rage overwhelmed me.
Storming down the stairs from my office to our bedroom, I took a deep breath in and unleashed a rant to innocent Dan:
“Do you know that I spent 80 hours this month on photography and that’s not including my full-time job? Except, on my vision board, it’s all about writing. Not photography. But, being me, I fell into this pattern where I think I have to DO IT ALL, except, where in the bylaws of life does it say I have to do it all? I did it all! I delivered 23 galleries in two weeks and it is some of my best work! AND I HAD TO GIVE A REFUND! A REFUND! I’VE BEEN A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER FOR 10 YEARS AND I’VE NEVER HAD TO GIVE A REFUND! I am DONE! I DON’T WANT TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER OF PEOPLE ANYMORE!”
the air fell still. a leaf fell outside our window in slow motion. the dogs stared, unsure. I felt an unfamiliar feeling wash over me. Was this relief? Or, was it the movie moment where the angels sing “AH” and the light shines behind me? Is this alignment?
I inhaled, and said it again- this time, more calmly.
“Dan, I don’t want to be of service to people anymore. I love my camera, and I love the work that I do. And, there are 22 families happy with their galleries, I’m so grateful for that. I want more, now. I want to be the main character in my story. I can’t keep letting myself down like this.”
He smiled and said, “Then, let’s go for it, babe.”
Which brings us here.
I quit photography to make room for a new beginning.
It’s not always easy to let go of something comfortable, or that you are “known” for. There’s an uneasiness that comes from admitting to yourself that something that has brought you, and hundreds of people so much joy, isn’t serving you anymore.
It’s in the uncomfortable that we grow, though. All year, I’ve been writing about growth, finding yourself, finding your voice, manifestation- all of it- only to find that what I’ve been writing has been what I needed to hear.
We have to learn to let go of the things that leave us feeling empty, to make room for the things that are meant for us. It’s not to say it will be easy, because it won’t be. It’s going to be hard work to get better, and I’m prepared for it. Nothing will be harder than to look myself in the mirror and feel unfulfilled, again.
It’s December 3rd, leaving 28 days left in 2023. I don’t want to wait until January 1st to start thinking about what I want in 2024.
This time, maybe for the first time, it’s a clear vision.
Cheers to not having it figured out, again.
Full disclosure, this is a palette cleanser post. Kind of had to get it out there, mainly for my accountability. Moving forward, I’ve signed up for a few writing classes, including satire, and my goal is to transition from some of these surface-level, aesthetic, granola girl posts, to more like “we’ve had a few martinis at my kitchen island, so let’s talk about it.” posts. After all, this is my internet kitchen, so let’s talk about all the things.
Thanks for always stickin’ with it, friends. I’ll see you Thursday for a little bit of a Salt.
Proud of you. It takes guts to quit something that you’ve done for this long, and it’s not easy to come to that decision. Way to stand up and say “enough!” Your next chapter will be epic, my friend - I know it. 😘