I am determined to complete NaNoWriMo this year.
I will write 50,000 words for a novel loosely titled “The Bellrose 5”.
I will write bad sentences,
I will change the idea of the story,
I will have plot holes,
I will even have days where I forget what “word” is.
But, I will do it this year. My calendar finally aligns with it. I’ve prepped my fiancé and dogs on the idea that “I will be in the room, but I will be on my laptop.”
I have had the same pep talk looping in my thoughts:
“I,667 words a day- you do that anyway with journaling and Salt, with Soul. Now you’re just going to write that for a story.”
Of course, I did think about doing the old loop de loo and finding a shortcut. You see, for the last seven years, I’ve written 90,000 words toward a story about two friends who meet up every 7 years. Inspired by seeing a college friend for the first time in 7 years, it seemed like an easy rom-com-type book to write.
There are approximately six drafts of this story, a true reflection of how misguided I was in writing it. Charlottes an artist, then a comedienne, and basically, any thought I had about a story or a character, I crammed into this idea because I already had so many words written towards it.
So, this afternoon when I went into my tucked-away notebook aptly titled “A Vault Away” in Evernote, I thought “Why let go of a story I already have?'“
This is the same thought I had the last two NaNoWriMo’s… there’s a trend.
I started to peruse the stacked notes and entangled thoughts when I stumbled upon this one from 2022:
My ex-husband had a daughter.
And he named her the same moniker he wanted to name the daughter we could have had.
Two days after her birth, he was posting workout videos.
His caption read, “This workout wasn’t great because I had a stressful week.”
His wife had just given birth, but it inconvenienced him-
it impacted his workouts.
I thought about her for a moment-
Inside the house with two kids,
Tired, sore, maybe even wishing she wasn’t alone.
I don’t pity her, of course.
How could I?
It was her choices that led to my freedom, too.
She got what she wanted and so did I.
But as I thought about this situation,
I found a piece of puzzle that added to the closure-
My divorce was never about something I did wrong,
I did not fail at being a wife,
I failed at giving up my life,
My identity,
My ideas.
And, when he didn’t get his way,
He found someone who would obey
I don’t know how this ended up within the world of Charlotte and Hunter, but I’m grateful it did. I don’t even remember writing it, but I know I did. In so many ways, we restrict ourselves in life. We trap ourselves with an idea or a notion that “you can’t give up on something, because if you do, you’ve failed.”
Somewhere in my marriage, I convinced myself I was unlovable and held onto that relationship because I feared that if I didn’t, I would have to face failure. When the divorce was final, I convinced myself I failed as a wife, and as a person. I was entering my thirties as a divorcee, and the unknown that lay ahead was petrifying.
That note, that random thought, tucked away with a story that I hold onto for no reason other than the idea that “if I don’t use these words to write a novel I will have failed”, reminded me that letting go gives more room to bigger opportunities.
We are not failures for wanting more in our lives. More importantly, we deserve to exceed our own expectations. Life is long, we can re-invent ourselves, and we can continue to want “more”.
I will not be using the 90,000 jumbled words as the foundation of NaNoWriMo this year. It is time to let go of Hunter and Charlotte. In re-reading the outline, there is a part that will make a great short story, and I’ll share that with you before November.
Hunter and Charlotte saw me through some of my worst moments, which is probably why their story is so entangled and messy. In order to grow, in order to achieve those lofty and beautiful dreams I have for myself, I have to let go of them.
I’ve let go before, of course. On the other side, all my worst moments have led to absolutely beautiful breakthroughs and discoveries.
Life is long that way: your worst days may seem never-ending, but they give promise to the better ones, as long as you let go of any guilt or ill-will towards yourself.
In letting go of this story, I cannot wait to see how this new one unfolds.
I am determined to complete NaNoWriMo this year. With a new story, workbooks, and a clear outline, I will write 1,667 words a day for 30 days. I will write this story about Marni, and it will be brighter and bigger than Charlotte and Hunter ever could be.
If you’re currently in that period of being petrified, please remember- the other side is so clear, friend. It will all click, and it will all be worth it. Somehow, those who endure the ugly side of the world, always find the brightest spots. And, you will too.