When I think about the one thing that changed my life, it’s how I speak to myself. About a year ago, every time I thought something nasty about myself, I said “Stop talking to my best friend like that.” It’s weird, sure. But, as someone who always defends others, it helped.
I spent much of the last half of my twenties spiraling in negative self-talk. I can’t tell you how many times I looked in the mirror and called myself “fat” or “ugly”. There were countless days I would go to write and instead overwhelm myself with thoughts of what a failure I was, and how I was a terrible writer. Over time, this negative self-talk metastasized into perfectionism, catastrophizing, and people-pleasing.
Simply put, I spent a lot of time drowning in a shallow pool I could have easily stood up in.
Frankly, it was easier to have a litany of excuses in my arsenal to justify why I was so afraid to pursue my dreams. How could I possibly do things for myself when I was sitting here with my negative self-talk and giving all my time to others because look “they love me”! My comfort zone was a negative place, but it was safer than stepping outside of it
Until one day, it wasn’t. After having different parts of my life implode, I realized that living in an echo chamber of “you’re not good enough”, was only going to lead to a life devoid of richness. How could I enter a marriage, or start a family, when I was hiding behind thoughts that aged out, but I was still holding onto?
With this month being inspired by La Vie en Rose, our first step is seeing ourselves through Rose Colored Glasses. And, that means: get rid of those Negative Thoughts, bebe.
Negative self-thoughts are sticky, and after a while, they’re deeply ingrained in our subconscious. On this day of love, let’s take the first steps to get rid of that inner saboteur so we can manifest that dream life.
That first step is Journaling, specifically, Negative Journaling. Negative journaling gives a name to our negative thoughts. It gets right to the root of the things that frighten us or hold us back. It can be a little bit overwhelming, but I’ve consistently found that giving a name to my negative thought patterns makes them so much easier to face. Often, I can step back and see that I’m being held down by an irrational fear that doesn’t hold up at all once I’ve highlighted it. I can also recognize them when they crop up again, which gives me more power to fight back.
You might think it’s cliché, but hear me out: it’s one of the safest ways to get your thoughts out freely and without judgment. Journaling allows you to get those thoughts off your chest, and to work through them. It also allows you to commit to the Three C’s of Changing Negative Self Talk: Change, Commitment, and Consistency.
Have I sold you a little bit? If so, let’s dive into the process.
How to use Negative Journaling to Change Your Mindset:
Grab a journal, (buy one of ours, here) loose leaf, or if you’re a digital nomad, a blank page in goodnotes.
Start with a prompt. Think about how you’re feeling, and use that as the starting point for your negative journal. For example, “I’m feeling down today because of…” or “My friends hurt my feelings when…” or “I’m so stressed over….” and then…
Free write. After setting up your prompt, write down anything and everything that comes to mind. Don’t worry about grammar or formatting- this is all about unloading what’s weighing on you.
Watch for what comes out. As you write about the reasons you’re stuck in this negative thought pattern, the source of the negative emotions will come out. Once it surfaces, write the opposite of it. This is where you’re going to re-train your brain.
For example, “ I’ve been lazy this week because of xxx” can turn into “after going through xxx, I needed time to reset and rest before diving into a new project.” “I am so fat.” can turn into “My body has changed and I want to take steps to keep it healthy and active so I feel good.”
This is hard to do at first, but soon it will become second nature to you.
Discard what you’ve written, if it’s only negative. I don’t like ripping pages out of my notebook, which is why I focus heavily on combatting my negative thoughts with more positive ones. However, and this is a big however: if you’re struggling with finding the positive, then this step is imperative. You’re not writing all this negativity down so that you can come back to it later. When you feel that you’ve said what you needed to say, discard that paper. Burn it. Rip it up. Crumple it up and throw it away. Release those thoughts from your presence, immediately. The pattern of physically discarding them will trick your mind into feeling like it emotionally discarded them, too.
If this is outside of your comfort zone, good. Living outside your comfort zone is the first step to joy, after all. This Valentine’s Day, I want you to treat yourself to loving yourself. Sure, do the face masks, and ice roll your cheeks while you watch your favorite true crime show. That’s all the steps to carving out TIME for YOU.
The first step to living that dream life is to prioritize yourself, believe in yourself, and stop holding yourself back.
As always, I’m so grateful you’re here. With our wedding in 37 days, it’s been a little overwhelming in this area of the woods, but I’m glad I can come back here to focus on something other than wedding things. With this month being inspired by living in the delulu, Salt, with Soul is my manifestation. To be able to say I’m a paid writer brings me to tears, and I only want to continue to get better and grow this world. But, as I’ve learned, it’s one step at a time, and as long as I keep showing up, keep trying, and keep pushing past my comfort zone, we’ll get there.
Tomorrow, I’m doing a reading night of my children’s book, “The Story of Peas & Carrots” at our nephew’s school, and I’m so excited. I used to do these type of activities all the time, and it’s nice to step back into that zone.
If you follow me on Instagram, you might recall that today was supposed to be the re-publishing day of my poetry book, Seasons. We’re running into a cover issue, but fingers crossed it’s ready by the weekend. It went from 50 pages to 301 pages: I combined the poems with affirmations and a journal- I’m so excited to share the final product.
This week, Martini Monologues is going to cover all things Pre-Cana, including the imaginary worlds I made up about each couple (this is either Dan’s favorite or least favorite thing I do, but I truly always entertain him with my made-up stories about people) Spoiler: the most elaborate story is the Americana one- just imagine an Elin Hilderbrandt character, and you nailed the wife.)
I’ll see you this weekend, friends.