WITH SOUL….
The last few weeks have been heavy.
Sure, my truck was robbed at 3 a.m. by 3 or 4 men who decided Maple Avenue was their target. Organized looting, and larceny in this case ,just part of the norm, according to the police. Haunting images of men with hoods and flashlights walking up and down our street still linger in my dreams. I'll admit, I haven't slept well since. Its not the camera that was stolen, or the idea that a complete stranger rummaged through my truck, used my credit cards at various stores, and had (or has?) my license- knowing that I'm easily googleable because of SEO now feels like an exposed nerve- it's the idea that anything can happen in the silence of the night. I'm grateful Marco didn't bark- what if his alert escalated the robbery? I'm grateful none of the neighbors woke up and went outside- God knows what could have happened if they did. Insurance will cover the cost of the stolen items, and eventually this haunting mental image will subside. It could have been worse, but it doesnt take away that it still wasn't great.
The heaviness has been related to wanting to pivot but having no idea how to. I’m in a reckoning. Being challenged to want more. I've been digging for a while to find out what's missing. I am busy with photography, but my work has taken me far away from weddings- something I thought I had to do because I had the gear and experience. I have this tendency to put pressure on myself to accomplish things, or rather, to justify things. "If I'm going to buy these cameras, these lenses, and invest in the world of photography, it has to be for a successful wedding photography business where I niche down and only shoot weddings and BOOM I'll be instagram famous, have amassed a tremendous amount of followers and will get my dream life of a house in the Catskills."
And, yet- that's not exactly what I want. Yes, I want a community on Instagram, but I have that already. You all showed me that this week with the anonymous question game. Yes, I want a house in the Catskills. Ideally, one on a lot of land with a barn that I can convert to a "Creators Retreat" where all of us misfits with a lot of ideas can come together, learn, grow and feel inspired. On the off season, it can become a place to gather with the family. Can you tell I dream about this a lot?
But, if you know me, you know I have refused to niche down to just weddings as a photographer. I know the importance of niching down your brand. I know the importance of your brand voice, your brand consistency, and all of it- hell, I've held courses on all of it! I also know I'm a decent wedding photographer. Sure, I don't have a consistent "pose" and if you look at my grid, it tells different stories in the same tone- I'm nothing if not self aware. But in the last year and a half I've photographed over 25 weddings and only a handful of them have brought me joy like I feel when I do a portrait session. I have loved every wedding, and getting to know each couple, and I'm proud that I've connected with so many couples. It's something I never imagined for myself. I love the work I've delivered, but in the last six months, whether it's been photographing flowers, people, or airplanes, I've felt more joy doing projects completely outside of the wedding realm. I've fallen in love with self love portrait sessions, and have smiled more during family sessions than I smile an entire week at my 9-5. I have put pantyhose on my lens to create new images, have been learning film, and have learned how to get creative again.
After finishing a wedding gallery this week, I wrote in my journal "am I a failure if I pivot my marketing away from weddings? I'll still do them, but I want to shift my marketing to just portraits. I want to create just to create again. I want to connect and empower people. I know that's my purpose here." I started spiraling into this feedback loop of "people are going to think I'm flakey. they're going to think I don’t know what I'm doing. they're going to judge me...." Exhausted from my own negativity, I thought "who fucking cares? You're here to tell a story. So, tell the damn story."
Here's the truth: the failure would be if I didn't have this hard conversation with myself.
Sometimes what we think we want isn't what we need. But, we're too afraid to have that hard truth conversation with ourselves. I know I have been. But, the heaviness we feel sometimes is our roots getting stuck. When we stop growing, we droop. That can look like burnout, being short with those we love, brain fog, or walking away from unfinished projects. Life is a series of pivots to our happiness and purpose. If we don't pivot, we risk our joy being stolen from us right out of our hands. If we don't move away from the noise, heaviness, environments that don't enrich us, we're going to get stuck. What's scarier? Change, or living an unfulfilled life?
My answer will always be an unfulfilled life. I would rather pivot a million times in my life and try, than never try at all. Success is found in the moments where you're most scared and most unsure. If I didn't shoot 25 weddings, if I didn't go all in on it, I would never know I want more.
I wrote this poem over a year ago. During a similar reckoning and I wanted to share it with you. Wherever you are in your journey, remember- you always have to grow.
I planted a tiny vine in a large pot-
Assuming the space would allow it to grow fast.
Days turned into weeks and the tiny vine did not grow-
Even with consistent water and light.
The tiny vine started to brown,
I replanted it in a smaller pot.
Within one week that tiny vine blossomed,
No longer brown and weeping.
It grew towards the light,
Doubling in size in just a few nights.
This tiny vine served as a teaching moment-
The lesson, you ask?
It's simple, really-
If you're not growing, change your environment.
WITH SALT
THE ULTIMATE CRUMBCAKE RECIPE
Here’s the deal: I have tried almost every crumbcake recipe on the internet and let me tell you, most of them have not been great. The cake part is too dense, there’s no flavor in the crumbs, the whole thing comes out chewy- I could go on. Which is why I created this recipe from scratch. My little moleskin of recipes looks like something from “A Beautiful Mind” but all those tweaks have made it the best one I ever made. It’s a bite of happiness, and, even my Chef father has been trying to get this recipe from me.
This cake is easy to make and always impresses guests in the best way. And, for whatever reason, I don’t have a photo to share this week- which means, I’m going to make it this week for the gram ;)
INGRIEDIENTS
2 tablespoons of canola oil
2 tablespoons of apple sauce
4 cups of unbleached all purpose flour
¾ cup granulated sugar
2 ½ teaspoons of baking powder
½ teaspoon of salt
1 egg
½ cup milk
1 cup brown sugar
3 tablespoons of ground cinnamon
1 cup of butter, melted and cooled
INSTRUCTIONS
FIRST THINGS FIRST; melt your butter and let it cool. The cooler it is, the better the crumbs. Oh, and preheat your oven to 325 degrees
PREPARE THE CAKE:
Sift together 1 ½ cup of flour with the granulated sugar, baking powder and salt
In a separate bowl, whisk together the egg, milk, apple sauce, and oil. Whisk it so it’s nice and frothy
Mix together the egg mix with the flour mix and add in 2 tablespoons of ground cinnamon
PREPARE THE CRUMBS
Place 2 ½ cups of flour in a bowl and add in your brown sugar and 1 tablespoons of ground cinnamon in a bowl
Pour melted butter on top
With a rubber spatula, mix together until large chunks of crumbs form
FINAL STEPS:
Oil and flour your pan. (I suggest one of those small square ones or a round one. Or, you could make crumbcake cupcakes if that’s a pan you have at your disposal. Just not an 8 x 11- it’s too big for this mix and the cake comes out thin and bad)
Pour the cake mixture in and spread it out
Grab your crumb mix and gently break the mix over the cake to form smaller crumbs. I have fun with this part and make larger crumbs at first, and then fill it in with smaller ones
Pop it in the oven for 25-29 minutes (all of our ovens are different. I have a newer one and I find that 27 minutes is the sweet spot. I just wouldn’t suggest going over 30 minutes)
Take out of the oven, let it cool, grab a glass of milk and enjoy.