WITH SOUL
I have a number of drafts sitting in Evernote that I wanted to share this week. The soul part of this weekly newsletter stretching its' muscles, I suppose. This post was written prior to the Supreme Court decision Friday. Like so many, I am angry and scared for my sisters. And, like so many, I am feeling the burn out from such an arduous climate. I don’t want to write about it; that doesn’t mean I’m not paying attention, it just means I need a break from it.
The goal of this newsletter was to follow themes in my life. Follow the flow in which I'm being guided. It's like my first Livewire, but funner.
This week, the trend in my life has been "rebuilding." Every article that has interested me on the web, like this one on Vogue,has been about starting over. Many of my more memorable conversations this week have been about the evidence of work I have done to myself. Not in a plastic surgery sense, ha- but, in the way I present my energy.
Two stand-out conversations this week that I'd like to share. The first, was with my Dad during our Sunday morning breakfast. I was talking about how Covid was tough financially, and he said "you have to let that go. You did so much more with your time. Most of us just sat around, but everytime I visited or called, you were doing something. That's important to remember."
In January of 2020, I officially filed for my divorce. Of course, it ended up in limbo for many months, but when the world shut down, I decided the only way for me to not go completely crazy was to create a routine for myself. I'd wake up, go for my walk with moo, prolonged because there wasn't much else to do, have breakfast, do some work. At lunch, I'd go outside to read in the backyard for a number of hours, and around dinner time, I'd go back inside, cook my taco salad, and write. I always wore jeans, a fact many mocked but a theory I started early on: "As long as my jeans are fitting, I'm not sitting around too much." Like many others, I ended up reading "Untamed" by Glennon Doyle. A pivot point in my healing. Finally, what I was experiencing was normalized. I was not alone in that feeling of being the caged animal. It was okay to be unsettled in what you thought you wanted. I'd listen to Brene Brown's Podcast every Thursday when I mowed the front half of the acre I lived on and on Friday's, I'd listen to the podcast that was the catalyst to my reckoning, Super Soul Sunday.
By September of 2020, my house was sold and I was driving my dream car. Moo and I had moved home and were greeted by eager parents and an even more eager Marco. That day was the first day I felt relieved in almost 2 years. While I spent months leading up to the move learning about healing, normalizing my feelings, and finding the foundational tools to re-build a life, it wasn't until I knew I was safe that I could start using the tools. And, so I did. I signed up for Betterhelp, found a therapist I vibed with, and started the process of working through the layers that I held on to.
It was, and still is, work. It is work that has allowed me to completely re-build my life. Breaking decades of patterns and cycles I didn't realize I was living in. Today, I feel so much more myself, which, ironically, was reflected this week when I was met with many faces from my past. I saw through the eyes of people who I had worked closely with for seven years the change reflected. In many ways, on Tuesday, I saw the strength in the core of who I am, unburdended and rebuilt into the person I always wanted to be. At first, I didn't like staring at the reflection of my old self. It made me anxious to be remembered in a way that I don't see myself anymore. It brought out old reactions that my anxiety can stir, and the moment I realized it, my entire thought process changed.
That night, in my journal I wrote "I cannot believe I felt like that everyday for so many years. I feel so sorry for the past Leanne who carried so much."
I said to mom on a quick visit Wednesday before a work event, "It's like I still have the same core values, kindness, humor, compassion, empathy, but now there's a boundary. I am not the receiver who can carry everything anymore." I thought about this idea and a few minutes later at the work event, a therapist/healer said to me "You have such a great energy to you. You've done a lot of work to get here."
The compliment made me smile because it's evident the work is well, working. I have spent the better part of two years completely re-building my life and now the version of Leanne that the world meets is one I'm truly proud of. There's always work to be done, but the work is the best part.
Rebuilding your life is a lot like cooking. You start with a base recipe or idea, follow the steps, and see how it turns out. If it's burnt to a crisp, you throw it out. If the flavor profile isn't what you were looking for, you add to it. In time, you tweak the proprotions, substitute out parts you dont like, while adding in pieces that you do. And, if all else fails, you just throw in a pinch of salt. The perfect recipe doesn't exist unless there's trial and error, and neither does the most fulfilled life. That's the point though, no? We're not supposed to be born, live a perfect life, and then die. We're here to learn from the challenges, grow as people, and leave the earth where we are now a little better. Everything you want isn't going to happen all at once... afterall, where's the fun in that?
In rebuilding my life over the past two years, I have found that my day to day is much more fulfilled. I've improved my reactions, built foundational consistencies, lead my life with kindness (or, as someone recently said "You do business on karma"), and appreciate what everyone can bring to the table. Much like the below cheesecake cookie recipe below I've subtracted things that didn't work but the items I've added have made it better tenfold.
In many ways, I didn’t realize I was rebuilding anything. But, maybe that’s the secret. We all go through bad stretches but it’s how we choose to react that is the key. We can react the same way and get the same results. Or, we can dig deep, have difficult conversations with ourselves, and rebuild the parts of our lives that irk us. Why not? Why not challenge ourselves outside our own comfort zone to be the best versions of ourselves? We do that with recipes, right? If we don’t like a flavor profile, we try again with a new one.
This week, I’m sharing a recipe that I screwed up, many many times. I’ve used the wrong “baking” (don’t worry, I checked it before I shared it!), I’ve overcooked it, I’ve messed up the filling. But, when I do it right… it’s the best cookie out there. Sort of like life, right? We mess up, but when we work through it, life is at it’s best.
WITH SALT:
INGREDIENTS
1 1/4 cups finely crushed graham crackers (1 sleeve)
1 cup flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 stick (8 tablespoons) unsalted butter, softened
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 egg, separated
3 ounces cream cheese, softened
1/4 cup granulated sugar
2 teaspoons lemon zest
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
DIRECTIONS
To start, preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Also, if you have a fancy
kitchenaid, just do all of this "beating and mixing and bowls" in the
kitchen aid bowl.
In a bowl, stir together the graham cracker crumbs, four and baking
powder. In another bowl, beat together the butter with the brown sugar
until it looks like it belongs together. Throw in the egg white, mix
together again, and then add that yummy looking mixture to the graham
cracker crumbs and blend until it looks good.
In a separate bowl (lots of bowls), beat together the softened cream cheese
with the granulated sugar, egg yolk, lemon zest and vanilla until well
combined.
Take the graham cracker cookie dough, roll into balls and place on a
cooking sheet. Then, very scientifically, take your thumb & make an
imprint into each ball. After that very scientific method, simply place the
frosting in the imprint, bake for 12 minutes, and enjoy!