The Haunting Thought of the Unfinished Book
with my creampuff recipe that taught me more about life than cooking.
WITH SOUL
This weeks salt with soul is brought to you by a girl working on breaking some cycles.
This is about the 15th draft, fourth hour, 5th “perfect writing spot”, 56th grunt, I've faced in writing. I'm annoyed at myself for the inability to formulate exactly what I want to say. But, within this annoyance I'm going to persevere because honestly, this annoyance is what I have been trying to write about.
Let's rewind though.
A few weeks ago during my medium reading, it opened with "you're energy is giving me this understanding that you're feeling a bit lost right now." I nodded, subtly agreeing. I've achieved things I never thought I would, survived storms I didn't think I was strong enough, have dedicated myself to people's moments in a way I never thought possible. But, around June, I started to feel like I wanted more. It wasn't that I was unhappy, I just felt this surfacing unrest in that I could do more if I just figured out "what".
As the reading was coming to a close, the medium said "your grandfather won't let me go until I tell you this. Is there something you wanted to be when you were younger? Something you wanted to go back to school for?" I nodded, again."I always wanted to be a writer." "He's clapping and telling me to tell you to do that. It's like he wants you to tell your story."
In the weeks since this reading I have been frozen in the thought. For the first two weeks, I just ignored it. "I have a photography business. Why would I step away from the momentum?" Welcome to the denial stage.
After my camera was stolen, I looked up and said "really? Just chopping me at the knees, huh?" The last thing I wanted to do in this world was to have to buy a new camera. Refusing to think about a $5,000 purchase ahead of me, I decided to sign up for Petra Collins Film Masterclass and buy a Nikon film camera. "Let's go back to basics and dig deep into your why" I thought to myself.
Within an hour of the course I felt inspired to use photography in a way I never have. I conceptualized a styled shoot and felt awake for the first time in a few weeks. But, by the next morning, I had talked myself out of it what felt so right. "You have momentum, Leanne. Stop always trying to reinvent the wheel." I said as I let the dream balloon go.
And, then last week, I decided to make cream puffs.
The simple yet demanding french pastry has always been enjoyable to make. I love the demand the dough requires and, to try something new, I decided to make this a chocolate cream puff batch. After melting the butter, boiling the water, quickly zapping up the dough and letting it cool, I figured I was about 30 minutes away from being finished.... until I wasn't.
Adding chocolate powder completely changed the texture of the dough. It made the piping aspect an absolute nightmare, the puffs were becoming runny, and oh yeah, I was recording this entire process for an Instagram reel. Frustrated, hot, and ready to give up, I was about to scrap the cream puffs and buy a dessert when I said to myself "Why do you give up on yourself?"
It was a subconscious thought that I never acknowledged before. In truth, it's a thought I've had before, realizing I am frequently motivated but not always disciplined. In the last month, I have been working on implementing new atomic habits in an effort to break that cycle, but I guess I never acknowledged that it ran this deep.
I scrapped the dough on the tray back into my mixing bowl, cleaned my area, and rethought the texture. If it's runny it means I added the eggs in when it wasn't cool enough ( a tip for below!), so I just need to add some ruffage. I added a cup of chocolate powder and all of a sudden, the dough came together.
I finished the cream puffs, served one to my dad, gave Marco some of the cream filling, and after two hours, felt proud of myself for not giving up. I went to my room where I was suddenly HAUNTED by unfinished projects. Books I purchased but never finished. Writing prompt books I gave up on. Why have I run from things I really want to do? I have lived by the thought that I would rather try than not, and yet, here I am scared to try. It’s haunting.
Which brings me back to this post. That unrest that has lived under the surface has boiled over. I am tired of running away from what I want to do because I am scared of putting myself out there. I have been writing a novel for years, 80,000 words, and yet every time I visit it lately, I get scared and click out of the document holding this story. Why do we talk ourselves out of what we want? Just because something wasn't quick and easy doesn't mean it deserves to be scrapped. Sometimes, we need to revisit something to achieve our higher goal. We need to power through the fear of unreconciled self-doubt to push through to our next levels.
Empowering others means you have to start with yourself. Sometimes, that's as simple as re-writing a post 3493043943 times because you're becoming disciplined, not just motivated. I am a storyteller and I want to use my skills, whether it's with a camera, my words or cooking, to nourish and empower those around me.
In life, just like in cooking, it's better to remix the dough that just throw it out.
WITH SALT
This week we’re making cream puffs. A simple yet demanding recipe, cream puffs require focus, precision and patience. If this is your first time attempting this recipe, start without the chocolate.
A few tips: I know Pinterest will tell you to be “perfect” and get the “most expensive piper.” but here at Salt with Soul, we’re practical, honey. Honestly, the best piper I've used is a ziploc bag with a .5 inch cut at the corner. My second tip is to let the dough cool for at least 10 minutes. The cooler the better. My third tip, pop your whipping tools and heavy cream in the freezer when you start making the puffs. The colder those two items, the more whipped your cream filling.
INGREDIENTS:
1 cup water
8 Tbsp unsalted butter
1 tsp granulated sugar
1/4 tsp salt
1 cup all-purpose flour, measured correctly
4 eggs, (large), room temperature
1 cup heavy whipping cream, chilled
1 cup of powdered sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
THE PUFF:
Preheat your oven to 425
In a Medium saucepan, combine 1 cup water, 8 Tbsp butter, and 1/4 tsp salt. Bring just to a boil over medium heat then remove from heat and stir in 1 cup flour all at once with a wooden spoon.
One flour is incorporated, place back over medium heat stirring constantly and quickly. Once there is a thin film over the dough, pull it from the heat.
Take the dough and place it into a large mixing bowl and let it cool. After 5-10 minutes beat using an electric mixer on medium speed for 1 minute to cool mixture slightly. Add 4 eggs, 1 at a time, allowing to fully incorporate between additions. Beat another minute until dough is smooth and forms a thick ribbon when pulled up.
Transfer the dough to a piping bag fitted with a 1/2" round tip. Or, kick it like I do with your ziploc bag. Look, I’m not a piping queen by any stretch of the imagination. I find this part messy, but weirdly satisfying when I get it right. Pipe your puffs about 1 inch wide (ish?) and when you’re finished, wet a spoon and swirl down the top part that kind of makes it look like the poop emoji :)
Bake at 425˚F for 15-20 minutes. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE OPEN THE OVEN “JUST TO CHECK”. Patience, friends, patience. When complete, pull your little puffs and let them rest while you make the cream.
THE CREAM:
Pull out your chilled tings
add in one cup of heavy cream
add in a dash or two of vanilla
add in one cup of powdered sugar
beat in your mixer at 5 with the metal mixer that you had in the freezer, not the flat head you used for the dough
It’ll get nice and thick after 4 minutes
THE ASSEMBLY
Cream puffs, assemble! simple cut your puffs in half and pipe (or scoop using a teaspoon) the cream and then put their tops back on. Voila! You are a French pastry chef god or goddess. Top with powdered sugar through a sifter to feel fancy.