Happy Wednesday that feels like Tuesday.
I had three separate drafts written between Monday and Tuesday, but none of them felt authentic to the week. So here we are, a stream of conscious draft four, which I’m hoping ends up in your inbox.
The goal of this newsletter has always been to write within the parameters of a “theme” in my week. This allows me to set limits for myself and thrive within that creativity. (That was draft 2 of yesterday- I couldn’t bring it to the finish line but it has something to it)
Unfortunately, the theme of my last week has been “death”, and quite frankly, it feels selfish and ick to take this experience and metastasize it for a newsletter. Death has a way of making us think of our own lives more closely, especially when it’s someone your own age, and I have found myself so fraught.
In thinking about death, I started to think about all the ways in which we live. The reality is, none of us truly know when our final day will come, or what our final moments will look like. We do not know the people that will grieve us or the impact that we will have. All we really know is that we’re here now, with the gift of time and the ability to be who we want to be.
But, even with this awareness, I can still get lost in “it all”. Life is so full of moving components that it can become impossible to keep up. We put these expectations on ourselves to “do the most”, and then that’s compounded by the expectations of work, family, friends, housework, etc., There are so many moments where we are caught in the purgatory of our goals and moments with others that the only thing we end up striving for is being perfect for everyone but ourselves. We have convinced ourselves, that we can do it all and worse, that we have to do it all, within 18 hours a day.
Last night, I was doing the final sweep-through before bed, and as I listened to the dishwasher humming, and the sound of Dan asking Marco, politely I might add, to please move from his spot in the bed, I noticed that there was one last pan in the sink, soaking.
The apartment was reset: the pillows aligned on the couch, the throw blanket carefully “thrown”, the remotes lined up, the kitchen island décor angled, every plate away, all the ripped-up lamb chops cleaned up…. and after all that, there was still one last pan in the sink.
The truth of the matter is, I spent so much time last week thinking of all the times I wasn’t there in pursuit of fixing my own life, that I forgot that there will always be one last pan in the sink. We will always miss something, and it’s up to us to prioritize what matters most. We’re not going to get it right every time. We’re going to make mistakes, say the wrong thing, and forget to text someone back, and we have to learn to accept that. The only way to live is to know that life is a spectrum and the middle reset line is our own happiness.
You can’t go back, but you can always grow forward.
JOURNAL PROMPT OF THE WEEK:
Today is Ash Wednesday (for any non-Catholic readers it’s the day you see us gentiles with the black smudge on our forehead) and outside of the smudge, it’s a day of spiritual renewal. Remarkably apropos, the ash represents death and repentance. “Ashes are equivalent to dust, and human flesh is composed of dust or clay (Genesis 2:7), and when a human corpse decomposes, it returns to dust or ash.” Today, we ask God to forgive and purify us, and we start our 40 days of “Lent” all to celebrate re-birth on Easter Sunday.
(My mom is reading this so proud that Catholic School did stick inside this brain somewhere)
While I am definitely more “spirit guides, universal truth, ghosts speak to me”, I firmly believe that it’s important to be rooted in “belief” of any type. We need to have the wind in our sails, right?
In the spirit of releasing, our journal prompt of the week is about self-forgiveness.
“I forgive myself for_______________”
As individuals, we harbor a lot of guilt and that metabolizes into anxiety and fear. It’s hard to look past the last pan in the sink, because it often represents so much more.
In the spirit of authenticity, I’ll go first.
“I forgive myself for being in survival mode. There are stories and moments in my life that are mine alone, and I am proud of myself for knowing when it was time to untangle a messy web and heal. Healing is selfish, but selfish isn’t always bad. And, I forgive myself for not being the best for everyone else when I had to be just okay for myself in order to get out of bed. I wouldn’t be here now if I didn’t take this time, and I can only move forward.”
Loving yourself sometimes means releasing the things that keep you up at night. It’s not easy, and sometimes it takes repetition to feel it leave. Keep breathing, though. It’s all part of the experience.
Thank you for being here. Statistics don’t lie and I’m so grateful for all of you who open this bi-weekly love letter of mine. Tomorrow’s recipe is fan-fricken-tastic, and ties well into this theme of it not all being perfect.
On March 8th, I’ll be launching a new website called “The Love Yourself Space”, where we will be wearing our self love on our sleeves. It’s still coming to me in pieces, but my goal is to make a space where you can find answers. Helpful articles, a community forum (maybe- kind of scares me because, reddit) and so much more. It won’t take away from this space, at all. This newsletter is my heart.
Until then, the Etsy shop with the first line is up and running! To celebrate, I’m offering 15 % to all of you, by using this link. I designed the logo myself in procreate and I love the anticipation tingles this all gives me. Yes, right now I’m using drop-shipping, but I did test everything I’m offering before designing. My goal is to bring it local by the fall: you have to crawl before you walk, right?
I’ll see you tomorrow, friends.
xx,
L