Trolling Facebook Groups & Last Minute Worries about the Wedding
Every Bride wakes up at 3 a.m. worried that Melissa Gorga is going to block the main road to the church, right?
I don’t have a personal Facebook. I deleted it in 2021, and while I do wish I had archived the photos, it’s a relief not to have that dark hole suck me in.
This will be shocking to most people who interact with me, but it’s my goal to one day not have social media at all. In an ideal Leanne world, my books, my substack, and my words transcend the need to push anything on social media, figure out hashtags, or think of an aesthetic. In the meantime, I use Instagram to connect with people and try not to worry too much about “aesthetics.”
This is to say that I do have a fake Facebook, and it’s under the name “Loretta Russo.” Yes, our beloved Aunt Loretta has her own Facebook. I don’t consider myself a thespian, but anyone who’s ever done Character work can agree: they do have their own personalities. My character just so happens to be an elderly, overweight, Italian woman with a lot of sass and even more opinions.
I don’t log into her Facebook often, but last night to disconnect from the world, I did, and the first thing that was recommended to me was this:
Immediately intrigued, I decided to explore the comments and add some of my own. Here’s an excellent synopsis for your viewing pleasure.
Twelve hours later, it’s getting weird with Leon really leaning into Loretta. In the words of Lala Kent, I’ll probably have to “disengage”… and soon. Aunt Loretta is just a thing for me to entertain myself, and I would never want to lead any old men on, you know? She’s a hot piece of ass: I can’t have her breaking hearts (literally, if their tickers are weak, you know?)
For a few minutes, it was nice to be in a space where no one is trying to be anything other than who they are. There’s Leon, who moves in on any new woman. Then there’s Paul, who loves to bike and is in better shape than people half his age. Frisky Brian is a silver fox. There’s Angela, whose pet name is Cinnamon, and she’s working on tapping into her psychic abilities. The list goes on. Seeing a generation typically written off find ways to connect is refreshing.
I’ve been worried about our wedding day, mainly about photos. I’ve never considered myself insecure, even thirty pounds ago, but something about the words “weddings” and “photos” feels like a microscope analyzing each pore and chunky arm spot. When you have an atypical wedding, and you’re an atypical bride, it’s easy to feel like the girl in the corner who never quite fits in. That’s only metastasized more when every Instagram post suggested to you is a viral wedding with an obscenely gorgeous bride in the center of it. Algorithms are cruel.
Every once in a while, the algorithm can work in your favor. Like last night, when I logged into my fake Facebook account for a character I created. It reminded me that I was not designed to fit in. It’s always been my M/O to disrupt the “cool” girls’ party and start my own.
I wasn’t giggling “at” the seniors to make fun of them; I was laughing along. Frankly, their boldness was inspiring. That group of seniors embodies what it means to “live.” They don’t care what you think and aren’t worried about judgment. Their posts might be “cheugy,” but that’s not at the top of their mind. They’ve all learned that life is fleeting, so you might as well embrace the present moment, which is precisely how I want to live.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to do a PSA about sharing too much information in a public group (like your address): I don’t want someone’s Meemaw getting scammed.
If you enjoy my writing, perhaps you’ll consider joining my party in the corner and becoming a free or paid subscriber. Social media can be shut down instantly, but e-mail subscribers are more of a commitment. Just know that if you become a subscriber, I take a screenshot and send it to Dan with the “eyes-welling” emoji because each new “like” is a glimmer of my dreams for the future.
Oh, and if you’re wondering about the Melissa Gorga reference, she’s opening a store in Huntington on March 23rd. If it’s anything like what's happening with the Snooki Shop, the main artery to the village where all wedding activities are happening will be a nightmare for traffic… making Melissa, my fake enemy #1. I’m FINE, really.