With Soul: Be an Observer of Your Thoughts
you are not your thoughts, don't get consumed in them
Happy Monday, friends.
Yesterday, we celebrated Dan’s birthday with our families. It wasn’t a milestone birthday but, in my book, everyone should be celebrated. I cooked far too much, our apartment was wonderfully chaotic and we went to bed with a clean kitchen and full heart.
There were so many moments throughout the day, in between maintaining multiple burners and various dishes, where I was an observer to the room. I watched as our families talked, I laughed as one my nephews threw toys over the wall from the loft, and it was humbling to see everyone enjoying themselves. It reminded me that there will always be waves of grief, pain, and genuine unknowing, but those waves are met with the gentle moments to keep us balanced.
Part of growth is beginning to develop an observer mind. When we’re younger, we tend to be reactive. We want our thoughts to be heard, we want to defend ourselves and we want to believe that our reactions will put into motion change.
Reactions can stem from passion, anxiety, defensiveness, triggers and so much more. They’re also not always easy to control, when you consider that we have thousands of thoughts a day. It takes a lot of self control and motivation to stay calm in settings that are otherwise unpleasant, but there’s such strength in choosing thoughts to act on.
Thoughts are a wonderful, beautiful and complex experience that is (mostly) unique to humans. But, they are also dangerous if we dwell in them. Thought spirals can distract us from being present, they can create false narratives in our mind, and they can keep us in a state of not moving forward. In so many ways, when we are not observing our thoughts and choosing which ones to focus on, we are choosing to create micro-self sabotaging moments.
There’s an adage “your thoughts become things”. More than anything, it’s a reminder that so many of our daily thoughts are automatic, and we need to be conscious of which ones we respond to. We need to observe our thoughts as a third party, much like we observe a party or movie. If our thoughts become things, than we must focus them to the positive, and outweigh the negative.
According to Zen practices, you can be an objective observer of your thoughts. In this practice the idea is simple: it is one thing to choose your thoughts and another to realize you can decide which thoughts you value.
The reality is, you are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings. You are the vessel that experiences the thoughts and feelings and it’s up to you to filter through them.
The more conscious we become of this, the more we approach triggers better.
So, how do we become more observant of our thoughts? First, we have to remember that your reaction is a reminder. More importantly, we have to forgive ourselves for our reaction. We will not always be 100% perfect, but we aren’t expected to be either.
When you have a reaction, write about it. Talk about what in that moment triggered you, how fast the thoughts came to you, the consequence of your reaction, and how you can change your thoughts on that trigger in the future. This will help you understand not only that your thoughts are automatic, but the thought process that you developed. In turn, when you understand these two things as one action, you can understand how to withhold.
In addition, implementing just five minutes of meditation a day can help you learn to watch your thoughts pass through like suitcases at the airport pick up. They continue on a loop until someone claims them, but not every suitcase is yours or is claimed. Similarly, thoughts will continue on a loop in your mind at all hours of consciousness- but, not every thought needs to be claimed, either.
Our reactions are wired from survival, which is what we’re meant to do. You are no “over-reacting”, despite the gaslight. You’re internalizing a layered thought process and expressing it because to you, it’s important. And, that’s okay. It’s part of survival to want to protect yourself. But, it’s also part of survival to find peace.
The ultimate purpose in developing an observer mind is to be more present. To not have to be in survival mode all the time. To not take it all so personally and to give ourselves perspectives on situations.
Not everything is a fight,
Not every moment is set up for hurt or destruction,
Not everything deserves a reaction.
The peace you have when you can just be still and hold in the laughter and chatter of your normal day is paramount to any thought spiral, I promise.
JOURNAL PROMPT OF THE WEEK
In honor of being present and becoming an observer mind, let’s do some shadow work on our reactions!
It’s as simple as A, B, C… really!
First, think of an activating event (A) = my S/O hasn't texted me back yet.
Then, think of what your belief in that moment is (B) = they're ignoring me or they’re cheating on me
Last, remember the consequence of that belief (C) = You check their location, go tequila katie on them, message their friends…. y’all know you had one of these moments. ;)
This week, I’m not going to go first. Developing an observer mind is deeply personal, and I want to create a space where I’m not leading you. Instead, I’m going to encourage you to carve out a half hour to think of the last time you reacted. Go through the above equation, and then add in a new line where you say “In the future, I will change C to_______________” And, to try and dedicate 30 minutes a day to this process so you can heal.
As always, I’m grateful you’re here. Salt, with Soul is blooming into a beautiful community and I’m so delighted my pivot year has brought me here. It is such a breath of fresh air to not uproot something, to not be destructive of my own dreams, and it’s because you open this newsletter that I feel that safety. So, thank you.
Last week, I started posting daily affirmations/thoughts using the new “Notes” feature. It’s been fun!
A little shameless plug: Our sassy apron line is still 15% off and the Love Yourself Space has some new swag in it.
I’ll see you Thursday for a dose of Salt, friends.