I want to thank you all for the outpour of love after Sunday’s post. While it wasn’t easy to write, it was freeing.
A few years ago, when I was going through my divorce- which, I’ll figure out one day how to write about- my daily mantra was “I will use this pain to help others.”
In the three years since, there’s been more pain added. More situations that seem so unfathomable that the way I’ve been processing it is as if I’m watching it as a TV Drama, anxiously awaiting the next episode.
Except, the anxiety wasn’t anticipation for a fictitious character’s fate- the anxiety was anticipation for the next piece of my heart to break. The next death, the next bomb, the next thing in my life that opens the door to judgment- so, I tried to hide from it. I chose to pretend to be okay with it, when I wasn’t.
In more situations than I can count, I chose to be the third-party perspective, rather than respect my own boundaries or process my own feelings. That only works for so long, though.
Writing that to you on Sunday was the first step on a new path. A path where I try and look beyond the trees in front of me. A path where I accept that clinging to my ideas of how things should be while resisting how they are, causes a lot of suffering. A path where I finally learn to accept what is and live in the authenticity of my story.
Three years ago, I wanted to use my pain to help people. I thought maybe that looked like “having it all” after divorce. What the fuck does that mean, anyway? Your version of having it all and mine are probably two different ‘having it alls” right? Why should I set out to set the standard of “having it all?”
Instead, I want to re-purpose my pain without the fear of judgment. My life is dark and twisty. Regardless of how we try and hide our truths, the reality is, judgment will always be there. We all judge situations that seem too chaotic or too outside our comfort zone. Whether we chose to acknowledge those thoughts is a conversation for a different day, but not one soul reading this can say they’ve never judged someone. So, if it will exist regardless, why let it stop us, right?
Healing isn’t linear. We are not perfect. We will hurt people, we will say the wrong thing, and we will fail. All of which makes us human.
It is the only consistent, really. So, let’s set out to continue to normalize the human experience. Let’s set out to continue to define our boundaries, let’s continue to find solutions, look towards forgiveness, and more than anything, let’s continue to remember that duality exists.
Let’s continue to create a community of strong people who get that people make mistakes, and we will love them anyway.
I haven’t cooked anything new this week because I haven’t been home. I’m human, right? Last night, I made this Tikka Masala Sauce with chicken sausage instead of seafood, and I would highly recommend it.
What I have done though is write 500-1,000 words a day, go to the gym, and work, on my Salt, with Soul Merchandise. I’ve taken for granted that my “Leanne Gelish” Instagram has been around for so long, which is how it amassed its’ following, that I forgot how enjoyable building something new is. It’s not easy, you’ve all seen the three different re-brands, but it’s been so fun. I feel like we’re in the groove now: it’s exciting to be at the beginning of something new and manifesting.